Entries by Eric

Sandra the pharmacist sigh... I feel like I am getting tired of having sex with her. Not that it is bad, because it is good, but that seems to be all we do. Watch tv, eat food, drink, smoke, and have sex. I have barely been playing any poker lately because I have been spending so much time with her. I made the same classic mistake of not playing the field. I told myself that I was not going to get seriously hooked up with every girl I end up kissing, I mean wtf is wrong with me it is like I have no self control when it comes to my emotions and shit. So where does this leave me now? Well I have a semi-girlfriend that I hang out with way too much and that I bang far too often and that is about it. I have not even gone online to the dating site I am a member of in like 3 weeks now. I have just been giving all my time to Sandra and I can't believe I am bored of her already. That HAS to say something about our compatibility right? I mean I shouldn't be getting bored of her? Maybe it is too easy to be with her. Maybe I am just confused. All I know is that I need to break free of this feeling that I am in and I think that hooking up with some other chicks might just be the best thing for me right now at this stage of my life.

Last night I did go onto the dating site and I spent about 2 hours going through and looking at tons of different girls profiles and I must have sent out about 50 or more messages. Sadly I only have 2 messages so far but one of them is from a girl named Nila and she has already given me her MSN. She was busy and had to go... I have been chatting with her all day and of course chatting with Sandra too, so I have 2 msn windows open all the time which is annoying. Anyways, after chatting with her, I realized I should come on here and do a blog update. I have been less motivated to do blog entries later because I have got so wrapped up with Sandra I was like just like fuck it I am with her now but NO MORE. I need to date multiple women at once even if it means fucking multiple women at once! The reason I saw this is because I have realized from this experience that I can totally like someone on the site, like their pics, talk to them on the phone and like them, meet them for coffee and like them, kiss them and like them, fuck them and like them and then STILL after all that eventually not like them. So basically I need to go down this road with every girl I meet.

When she comes back on later I am going to ask her for her phone number so I can talk to her on the phone. That is usually a good step because you want to be able to hear their voice. You can learn quite a bit from their personality by listening to them talk on the phone and also you can listen to the sound of their voice to see if it sounds sexy or not. For me personally, having a sexy feminine voice is very important to me. I can't stand being around women that have unpleasing sounding voices. I am going to try and get her to go out for coffee with me today later on this evening. I figure why wait? If coffee goes well then I will take her out for dinner too. There is this sweet ass Italian place here in Portland that my friend told me about that I am dying to try but I need someone to go with obviously because I can't just show up and be like yo table of one! The place is called Alba Osteria & Enoteca and apparently they are big into serving organics so it sounds like my kind of place. Hopefully the next blog entry you read will be about me and her going to that place and all the good times that ensue

Ok let me bring you all up to speed on what has been happening as of late. First of all let me say that I am back on track with playing poker and I have had a lot of really good sessions. Money is not a issue right now, I have plenty of it. What I need to find is happiness. They say money can't buy you happiness and they are very right whoever they are. I would like to meet "them" one day and give them a mouthful or two. I have been spending my money on buying clothes and also buying accessories. I read somewhere that you get laid way more often if you have lots of accessories because only guys who are sexually active wear lots of accessories and girls are attracted to guys who are ALREADY getting laid. It makes sense now when I think about it and I have been trying it. I have definitely been getting some good looks from women out there when I am walking around in my fancy clothes and wearing my fancy watches.

I have had some success in meeting some girls online through the dating site. There are about four different girls that I have been talking to actively. Some of the girls I am talking to I am talking to still through the dating site. The other girls, two of them I have been talking to over MSN and also over the phone. They are both pretty cool, but I am really liking talking to this one girl named Sandra who is a pharmacist. She is basically a doctor I think, I am not sure, I am bit ignorant about these things I guess. I asked her last week if she would get together with me and let me take her out for dinner and she agreed so I took her out on Saturday. I told her to take a taxi and meet me at a place called Fenouil which is this really authentic French cuisine. I got there a few minutes late and she was waiting in front of the place. She looked really cute standing there looking around for me, clutching her purse... almost like a scene from a movie.

I walked up to her and she started smiling as soon as I got close because she knew it was me. She said hi and I went to shake her hand but she leaned forward and gave me a hug and I was like yay. We went inside, sat down and order some drinks. The menu was nice and we both ordered New York braised short ribs. They were unbelievably good and totally mouth watering. We sat and chatted and giggled and she told me that her last relationship ended a year ago. She said she was with her previous boyfriend for 10 years which is a really long time. She said she has spent the last year dating various guys and liked some of them but most of them turned out to be douchebags in the end. We chatted a lot and I had a really good time. She had a really nice big smile and I kept staring at her mouth for most of the night. I think she may have even noticed me staring at it a few times. Anyways after dinner we got into a cab and headed toward her apartment. I really had no idea what to expect. When we arrived, she said thanks for a great time, call me tomorrow and gave me a kiss on the lips. She went to pull away but I grabbed the back of her head and gave her a real kiss. She loved it and then she left. I am going to get together with her again some time this week

Karen never showed up for our date and I was so god damn pissed off and discouraged that I canceled my membership at the online dating site and basically have been doing jack shit for the last month and a half basically. I have started smoking weed everyday and I haven't been feeling like playing poker much so I have just been moping around my apartment watching movies and tv shows all day. I haven't been going out that much and my place looks like a god damn pig sty. I also have been drinking and that is starting to take it's toll on me. Finally this morning I decided I got to get my shit together and get back in the game so I booked an appointment to get my haircut this week. In the meantime I am going to clean up this shithole. After I get my haircut, I am going to take some good pictures of myself with the new haircut looking all styling and shit and then I will rejoin the dating site and make a totally new profile.

I never did hear anything from Karen. I am totally perplexed as to what happened but whatever I have to move forward and think about the future and what I am going to do in it to make myself happy cuz god knows I am miserable right now. I also decided that I am going to join a gym and start getting out of the house and doing some exercise. Any excuse to get out of the house right now is welcomed. I am all hermitized like friggin famous dude who I can't remember his name - the spruce goose guy that locked himself in a hotel room and pissed into bottles. Leonardo Di Caprio played him but I can't remember his name and I don't feel like googling it. Hmmm firefox says googling isn't a real word. I bet you one day the verb to "google" something will be added to the dictionary.

I am basically going to be starting fresh with the whole online dating thing. Once I take those new good pics and build my new profile I am also going to browse through the site and send messages to lots of hots girls that have now joined the site since I was last on it. I know that lots of new women join the dating site every week and that is a good thing because I am hoping to hook up with some of the new girls. I really don't know what kind of girl I am looking for but I would like to go to some nice restaurants and finally get some good use out of these new clothes that I bought. God knows they were expensive enough. Right now I have basically been wandering around my place in boxer shorts and a tshirt. Pretty lame shit but I am ready to get back on the saddle again and wrastle me up some poontang.

I am getting ready for my date with Karen. I am really enjoying writing in this blog. My friends that read it tell me they love it too and it is some nice comedic relief from their day to day lives. Some of them are married and to them it is all comedy and jealousy I guess lol. I wonder if any of this makes any sense... I mean life in general. I know my thoughts may be wrong, they may even be perverted... she'll hear me out and won't easily be converted to my way of thinking. If you know the rest of that song then you win.

I am really nervous about going on this date and I am sitting here in my living room listening to Depeche Mode and I am sipping a Mai Thai and pondering life and I am excited and I feel like I am going to explode inside. Wow this is why I am no good at poker in live casinos. My brain just freaks out and goes into spiral mode if I am not doing ten thousand things at once. I can hear people in the hallway fumbling around with tools and speaking Spanish that is how acute my senses are right now because of the anticipation of meeting this girl. There is something about very dainty classy women that turn my knees into jelly and my brain into mush. I think I need another drink.

Ok now I am listening to Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loves me. I have a playlist that is on shuffle so random songs sometimes come on. This song has a really weird opening, in fact it is kind of creepy and beautiful. When I first play this song for other people they always give a curious look and aren't totally into but once you know the song and how beautiful it is, then you can finally appreciate the opening which is 2mins of creepy instrumentals.

I bought some very nice clothing yesterday to go on this date tonight. Sucks that it is still 6 hours away before I meet her at the restaurant. I don't know how the hell I am going to make all this time pass. I feel like a kid on Christmas eve who can't sleep. Another shitty thing is that I haven't eaten anything today and my stomach is upset from nervousness that I can't eat anything before I go on this date so I am going to be starving by the time we meet and also that means that if I drink anything before I eat, I am going to get hella buzzed and feel nauseous. Maybe if I smoked a joint I can relax and be able to put some food down. I normally do not get this nervous before a date and I have no idea why this is happening. It is almost scary. I do feel better though that I am writing all this down. I am so happy and so grateful to have an outlet for my thoughts and feelings and something to help me get through things. I feel connected to my readers and I feel like I am doing something to help myself. I am able to go back and read all the things I wrote and felt like a diary. I think the primary reason for keeping a journal or a diary is to improve one's self. Why else would we do it? I guess part of us are attention whores for lack of a better word but really I think it just comes down to the fact that loneliness sucks and also we use other people as a reference point.

I also think that it depends from person to person. Some people are very brilliant and yet they are not that competitive. Other people are of average intelligence and can be fiercely competitive. I think this has to do with your childhood and your adolescent years. Ok enough of this rambling, I need to go score some weed and eat some food and try not to think of this date.

Well that date with Veronica was a bucket full of fail. I don't even remember the last time I was that drunk. I talked to her online the next day and she made some wise ass cracks about my behavior and I tried to play it off and tell her I was only feeling like that because I didn't eat prior to drinking. She was cool about it I guess but since then I haven't heard much back from her and I am pretty sure I lowered my value big time by doing that stunt. We have chatted a little bit back and forth since that last conversation and now she is out of town for business so I have a funny feeling that I may never see her again. I think I turned her off with my drunken self and now I have learned a valuable lesson about drinking too much on the first date

The good news is that I have been talking to some new girls and things are going well. Once I realized I had essentially blown it with Veronica, I decided to go and message a whole whack of new girls because new girls are constantly joining this online dating site every week so that is a good thing for me being a single dude. I sent messages to a wide variety of girls with a wide variety of ages and stuff. So far I have got back some pretty good messages and there are a few girls who are clearly digging me, I just need to spend less time playing poker and more time talking to these women and nurturing things along so I can finally take them out on dates. There are 2 girls that I have already progressed to talking to me on MSN instant messenger. One girl is named Suzy and the other girl is named Karen. They are both quite different.

Suzy is a mechanic at a garage. Yes I know that sounds terribly odd and sounds like the kind of job a lesbian would have. Normally if someone told me that they worked as a mechanic I would run in the opposite direction in a heartbeat but this girl is insanely hot and it really makes no sense at all. She obviously is not quite as feminine as I prefer but she looks really good and I am willing to try new things and see what she is like to hang out with. This is one of the things that I have learned dating these girls online, that you have to meet them in person to really find out if there is any potential compatibility. I wouldn't be surprised if this girl is bisexual. I am not sure why I am saying that, I guess because she is a bit masculine but she says she is really into guys but I got a feeling she likes chicks too which would be fine by me if she wanted to have a threesome or something with another girl, I would be totally down with that action. She is 29 years old so she is the right age but she seems more mature than 29 well I guess what I am saying is that she looks older than 29 in a good way but she acts kind of young and immature. I certainly don't blame her, she said she has 4 brothers and also she works all day in a male dominated environment so it's perfectly understandable.

Karen is 27 and she works in a store that sells high end linens. I am talking about bed coverings, and sheets and towels. Stuff like that. She is very feminine and girly. She has like perfectly manicured nails and her hair always looks awesome and she wears a lot of makeup and wears classy yet provocative clothing. She is totally the opposite of Suzy and I think that that is a good thing because now I get to try both girls and see what I like. I think that most guys think they know what they want, they think they know what they like, but then they meet someone who isn't quite what they had in mind and yet they totally are into them. I guess men are superficial when it comes to preconceived notions about women but when it comes right down to it, they are more interested in personality than physical appearance just like men are. I think that the media fills our heads with what the ideal women looks like and then we get hung up on those images because we are such visually dominant creatures. Anyways she said she was in a long term relationship that last 5 years and she has only been single again for 3 months and hasn't dated anyone yet but she thinks that I am cute and sweet and said she would be willing to go on a casual date with me so I am going to take her out this weekend.

I am really confused about Christy. I thought we had a great time and I would do it again anytime but she really hasn't said much to me since she got back into town. I feel as if I am chasing her now and I don't want to be in that kind of situation. I guess she just likes to have sex with random guys or something I don't really understand because we hit it off so well but maybe I am just being naive thinking that there is something more there than sex. I mean I could tell the kind of girl she was when I met her. The way she talked, walked, and drank booze. She was definitely not the kind of girl you are going to proudly want to take home and introduce to your mother. Still though I thought that all girls, even rebellious slutty girls deep down want a man to just love them and take care of them. I find it hard to believe that there are smoking hot chicks out there who are having sex with lots of random men and not ever getting emotionally involved or attached to anyone they are with. Girls who are able to get what they want sexually and still stay single. Perhaps I have met and had sex with one of these rare breeds of women. I don't know whether I should feel used or feel privileged. I think i may just be suffering from the fact that she took it away from me so now I naturally want it even though I know she doesn't really want me and certainly won't be falling in love with me. I am already typing too much about this girl that I am supposedly not thinking about anymore. I should be focusing on the new girls that I have met and gone out with that seem way more compatible in terms of being in a relationship.

I met this really tall brunette named Veronica. She is 6 feet tall and with heels on she is taller than me so I found out. I have always preferred being with petite women but there is something very sexy about a tall thin woman that is attractive. It is like a wild cat taking down a giraffe and tearing it apart. That is how I feel about conquering a women like this sexually. Anyways she is really into jazz music and works for a musical promotion company or something so she said we should meet in real life because we have only been talking on the internet of course through the online dating site we belong to. So she tells me we should meet at this jazz club and I have never been to a jazz club before but whatever it's cool I will check it out and see how it is. I arrived late to the club and omg it was weird. I go in and I am just standing there looking around this smoke filled room like it was straight out of a movie or something and finally I notice this tall blonde walking toward me. She looked like a 1950's Hollywood actress and I nearly passed out looking at her coming toward me, it was like slow motion, I was like omg this can't be her can it because her hair was very different, it was all wavy and exotic looking and wow did it ever look good. I was almost prepared for her to walk right passed me because it was too good to be true, but I was wrong, it WAS her and she walked up to me and said you must be Eric and before I could say yes she gave me a kiss on the cheek and the smell of her perfume and whisp of her long flowing hair touching me sent a shiver down my entire spine.

I followed her through a maze of tables and chairs through the smoke filled room until we finally arrived at her table. We sat down and I looked around frantically for a waitress because I was stressed out and needed a drink bad. Right as I turned around she was right there asking me what I wanted and I told her a gin and tonic and she disappeared into the smoke. I turned back around and the goddess was still sitting there. I was half prepared for her to be gone and for me to wake up in a cold sweat and realize this is all just a dream but there she was glowing in the lounge light rocking back and forth to the music. The rest of the night was a blur once the drinks started to arrive. I didn't recognize any of the music and after about 4-5 songs it all started to sound the same to me. An uncultured beast I am I guess. By the end of the night my head was buzzing and we got up to leave and nearly fell over because I was so drunk. She said "looks like someone is ready for bed - why don't we call you a taxi" - next thing I remember the taxi driver is saying "yo wake up we are here" and I am sitting in an empty taxi cab in front of my building. I vaguely remember paying him and making it upstairs. I awoke the next morning with my clothes still on.

I am sorry that my last post got cut off. I had to go out that day and I have been so busy I neglected to take the time to update this blog for all my loyal readers. It won't happen again I promise.

Let me finish my story about the carnival. So we were both drinking vodka out of a bottle I had hidden in my jacket and she was getting all loud and rambunctious. When we would walk by the carnies who were operating the games, and they would heckle us and yell at us like they do, she would respond by yelling woohoo and giving them the horns and I was like wtf can't you be more subtle girl. Then she was like, you have to win me a prize and prove your manhood and I was like lol and she like no I am serious yo and I was like wtf. So I blew $21 on some stupid dart game and finally won her a small stuffed giraffe. She seemed quite pleased and was all yelling and cheering and embarrassing me. I am not used to hanging out with someone who is so overly overt. There were a lot of other guys who tried to hit on her and she didn't humor them, she would just rudely brush them off.

There were two guys who came up to us and started talking to her and she was like fuck off I am busy here with my man and if you don't fuck off he will kick your ass! I was like wtf are you doing in my mind, but IRL I had to stand there and act all cool and the gang in case they wanted to start something. They paused for a minute and then were like fuck this bitch and walked away and I was like phew. I said to her wow you really have a big mouth and she replied, you haven't seen anything yet which kind of scared me but at the same time I was wondering if she was making a sexual innuendo.

I really wanted to leave the fair before she started something with some huge biker or something but no dice. She said she now wanted to go on all the rides. I don't mind the rides but I am not a huge fan or anything of rollercoasters and stuff. So I took her on like 6 rides and then finally convinced her to go. She was like "where to next" and I was like let's go back to my place and she was like sure.

We get back to my place and she immediately heads over to my liquor cabinet and grabs a bottle of vodka and starts drinking it right out of the bottle and then passes it to me and makes me take a drink. Then she is like do you have any weed and I was like yeah I do so I got it out and we hit the bong a few times. I was literally just setting down the bong on the coffee table and she was all in my face kissing me and pushing me down on the couch. I have never been with a girl that is so aggressive. We went into my bedroom and had fun for hours on end. Eventually we both fell asleep and when I woke up in the morning she was in the shower so I went and joined her and then we had breakfast and later that day she went home. When she left, she gave me a real casual kiss and said cya later and I was kind of dumbfounded. I am not sure if I have a fuck buddy now or if there could be something more with her. She is away visiting her parents and she said she would be back this week so I will find out more once I talk to her.

Last night I went on a date with Christy. There was an amusement park in town, I guess you would call it a fair. I always loved when the fair would come to town. I loved the the way it would smell like cotton candy in deep fried foods. There would also be a constant humming of sounds coming from music from the rides, the games, and carnies running around. I guess I am kind of a reserved and conservative guy and I discovered that Christy is the opposite. She is crude and rude and rough around the edges. But she is really hot and feminine looking. She is however kinda muscular and doesn't really dress that well. She has like dark makeup and is kinda goth looking and a bit trashy looking but she is really hot - I know I keep saying that. Her hotness is what allows her to get by on the other fucked up shit she does. So anyways yeah she is kinda loud and obnoxious when she talks and especially once she starts drinking and MAN does she like to drink. I am a lightweight when it comes to booze.

I met a new girl named Christy and now magically I am in better spirits. No big mystery here man I mean I think I might be bipolar or something cuz sometimes I am really up and sometimes I am really down. At both ends of the spectrum things are really intense, maybe I am just an extremist. It seems like I can never find true happiness from within. It seems that I must always have some external event to look forward to in order to feel happiness. All of the books that I have read about the topic of meditation tell me that you will never find happiness from external things and that basically if you base your life in this fashion you will never be happy. I have tried lots of the stuff I have read in these books but I am unable to find a quiet zone in my head. I think it might be because I have exposed myself to so much visual stimulation over the years or rather that I have trained my brain to be used to receiving lots of data constantly and so now it craves that amount of stimulation and goes nuts when it is deprived. I think I would benefit from traveling to Africa or something so that I can just reconnect with nature and disconnect myself from the electronic prison that enslaves me. I suppose that this is all part of human evolution but sometimes when I look at it objectively it seems like perhaps we are headed in the opposite direction. How can it be evolution if we are destroying our environment and making it easier for human beings to kill one another? How far can the evolution of weaponry go? Eventually we will nuke ourselves and that would be the end of evolution so that is all I am saying on that topic right now. I am one of those hopeless male souls that find refuge in women. I find that most of life is pretty boring and unsatisfying but the strange scent of a woman can immediately make one feel like there is hope and reason for being alive again. Last night I watched the movie "Killing Zoe" and even though I have seen it multiple times before, this time I realized how tragic of a story it was because I forgot that the main French character has AIDS.

Christy works in a factory downtown where they make canned peaches. Ok maybe she doesn't. She actually works in a meat packing plant of all places. I know it sounds weird I mean would you go out with a girl that worked in a meat packing plant? Most girls that work in those types of places are big fat hairy lesbians (no offense to the big fat hairy lesbian meat packing workers). Of course she is the exception being young and hot and well most of the guys there are constantly hitting on her etc. She is tall in fact she is 5 foot 11 and I am only 1 inch taller than her, not that I have had a chance to actually stand toe to toe with her but hopefully soon I will be able to when I am about to kiss her

So far I have only been chatting with her online over msn and she said she doesn't have a webcam but I have seen pictures of her in her profile and also she sent me some different pics over msn of her from recent and she looks pretty good. She has been single now for about 5 months. The last guy she was with was a Marine and he got sent to Afghanistan so they broke up before he left. Her boyfriend before that was a truck driver who was also an amateur body builder. Are you seeing the pattern yet? She is into big strong manly dude type dudes which I am not. I mean I'm not some scrawny looking nerd, I am in pretty good shape, but I am no hulk. Perhaps she is looking to try something different now in terms of the guys she is into. All I know is that she seems to like me and said that I looked cute in my profile pics. I am going to pursue her and I have a date lined up with her for tomorrow night. I just hope I don't get beat up one day by some massive disgruntled exboyfriend.

I remember when I was a young boy and how I felt about the world and how I discovered love. I remember how over time the innocence became lost as I was exposed to more and more painful truths about the world. Painful truths revealing themselves through observing and participating in other people's selfishness, cruelty, and ultimately insecurity. It wasn't until a few years ago that I realized that insecurity or fear is the main cause of most people's negative emotions and actions. I am personally still on a journey of enlightenment. Enlightenment as to who I truly am and what I really want to become and the person I want to be. The way others react to me is the only indicator we truly have to use. Reflection and evaluation of one's action internally is insufficient. I was confused in my adolescent years. Confused because it was far too difficult to accept that the perceptions I had as a child, the same perceptions taught to me by my those who were apparently superior in knowledge, were not accurate. Not only were they not true, but they were slowly revealing themselves one at a time gradually and constantly. Like a deck of cards slowly being flipped over one card at a time. The situation becoming ever bleaker with every passing moment. Until all you can see and feel is darkness, anger, and frustration. This is when I realized that darkness co-exists with light. You can not have one without the other in both nature, physics, and mankind. This double edged sword that is our existence is very difficult and painful to see and understand. I believe that some people are never able to understand or accept this reality of human existence and also I believe some people are unable to accept it. It has a way of disrupting your understanding of hope, and capacity for happiness. I personally am still making the transition from naivety to understanding, accepting, and embracing. Embracing is the next step for me, and I see it on the horizon like a large mountain of an obstacle. I believe there is an oasis on the other side. An oasis of mental and spiritual being. How can I free myself of the negative thoughts I feel when I recall past painful memories and decisions? How can I release myself from the guilt and the regret? Happiness and sadness exist together and are both readily accessible feelings but how can we focus more on the happiness and avoid the sadness and pain? Am I ever going to be capable of love... of true love? Will I ever be able to enjoy life like I did when I was 10 years old playing by the beach, watching the ebb and flow of the water lap against the rocks on a hot summer day? Will I ever get the chance to share my creativity with the world? The chance to make someone else smile and feel happiness? Will I ever allow myself to feel like I deserve positive things in my life? Will this nagging feeling inside ever allow me to forgive other people and to forgive myself and allow myself to embrace things as they are? Will I ever stop questioning if I deserve happiness in my life because of the people I have hurt in the past? Is it possible to not infect someone else with my shortcomings? When I was 14 all I wanted to do was fall in love. I wanted the soft presence of a female in my life. I wanted to share things with her. I wanted to give unconditionally and enjoy their happiness. I was a helpless romantic and I truly believed that I would find someone and experience these things with them. I thought that being with them would make everything else in my life I didn't enjoy become tolerable somehow. When I was 15 I fell in love. At first it was magical. I was only able to see her once a week for a short window of time and her parents were very protective and wary of males. She was a very submissive girl and I enjoyed dominating her and feeling like a man. I enjoyed the feeling of having a stranger care about you, and give to you and I ate it all up and couldn't get enough. I don't exactly recall the moment I became bored and felt like the magic was replaced with contentment. She had given me the confidence and experience I needed to move forward in life and conquer new women. I had no idea that I would be capable of having such thoughts prior to being with her. It is only now as an adult that I fully appreciate the power of ignorance and denial. Shortly after leaving her, I felt an immense sense of guilt and regret yet I stuck to my guns and never went back to her. I could feel the double edged sword of life cutting into my emotions like a freshly cooked stuffed pig. My second girlfriend was also very submissive. She came from a very conservative protective family. She was very innocent and naive when I first met her. She had the best intentions in life and was a very happy intelligent girl. I was the teacher in that relationship. She had only been with one other guy before and it was a brief relationship with very little intimacy. Again I enjoyed and abused her submissive nature for my personal selfish benefit. With her it was a love that grew slowly instead of a passionate love affair right from day one. It was the first time that I really ever felt close to a woman and I believed that she trusted me and would virtually do anything for me. Deep down I knew that I would eventually not be with her. I wasn't sure if I would get bored and leave her or she would eventually run out of patience and leave me. Eventually I left her. We did get together about a year later and share a few nights together but it never amounted to anything. I was finding myself being drawn to women who were submissive and good hearted. I avoided slutty, aggressive, sly girls for some reason. I thought that having such a kind, gentle female presence in my life would remove the rough edges from my own personality allow me to soften up myself and become sensitive to other people's emotions. The last girl I was with was the opposite of the first two. She was aggressive, strong, and dominating. I still felt like she would be able to save me from myself. She was the teacher and I relied on her. Despite her aggressive nature, she was very giving and generous. Again I found myself sucking up all this goodness until I was full. Once I was full, I found those old feelings of regret and boredom creeping up again. This time it was similar to the 2nd relationship but much more intense. I realized I wasn't going to change and become the type of person she was, instead she was changing into the person I was. Now here we are.

Phew. Ok I hope you all forgive me for that deep rant but I don't have anyone to talk to about this kind of stuff. Anyways based on the thoughts above I am conflicted when I flirt with girls online because part of me knows that I am not suited to be a good boyfriend or husband. Most of the girls I talk to want to ultimately get into a long term relationship so I sort of have to go with the flow on that if I want to be with any girls. Then part of me says well just try it and maybe it will be different. Maybe you will be capable of having a relationship that will not change for the worse over time. Maybe I can find someone that will suit my traits perfectly. I think that this is a voice of denial. Sometimes I block it out and sometimes I listen to it. But when I listen to it then I feel kind of depressed thinking that all of human kind is failed and never meant to live as couples. That makes me wondering if such a thing as love really exists or not or if it is just a misinterpreted electrical impulse in our brains. I went to a shrink once and I asked him what the meaning/purpose of life is and he is it is to give love. So... I think you see where I am going with this here. So, I am not going to sit here and do nothing. Even if the reality is that we are all doomed, I might as well enjoy myself on the trip down.

So far so good with the online dating. I have received numerous messages from different girls all different ethnicities and ages. There is one girl in particular that I would like to hook up with named Carol. I never really liked the name Carol and I always pictured an older cougarish type of woman when I heard that name but not anymore. This girl is 24 years old and very cute and very attractive. She works in some retail store that sells trendy modern clothing for girls which is cool because I am sure at some point I could go visit her at work which would give me an excuse to be in a store full of hot young chicks I know that 25 is kinda young since I am now 30 and everything but I have never been hung up on age before and I think that age is just a number and it doesn't matter how old you are, we all have the same capacity for maturity etc so I don't discriminate. She said she lives in a small condo and has no pets other than a fish tank with some exotic fish in it. She said she likes to practice yoga and goes to the yoga studio 4 times per week. I still have not seen any pics of her other than face shots so I have no idea what kind of body she has, but anyone who goes to Yoga 4 times per week must have a hot lean body, or at least I am hoping so. I wonder if I could get her to take a picture of her wearing Yoga pants. I think if I went on a date with her and she was wearing yoga pants I wouldn't be able to concentrate, especially if I could see her thong lines through the yoga pants - that would be hard to deal with. I think that most guys have a yoga pants fetish, I mean how can't you. The best is when the girl has a nice gap between her legs under her crotch when she is standing in yoga pants with both legs together. Anyways enough about my yoga fetish lol. Bottom line is I want to meet her bad and I also want to meet other girls who like to wear yoga pants. I do prefer the LuLuLemon brand of yoga pants vs the TNA pants. The lulu lemon ones just fit better and are of higher quality.

Poker has been going well. I have been getting tired of playing my usually "system" and I have been experimenting playing in $20 and $30 big tournaments. All I have to do is make the final table of one of those tournies to pay for a bunch of entry fees. So far I have got quite close but keep getting sucked out by some donkey. Perhaps this is why my poker mentor told me to steer clear of tournies like this but grinding it out day after day is getting boring. I need to go spend my money on something. I already have bought pretty much everything I want. Car, house, clothes, jewelry, etc. I think this is one of the reasons I am aching to meet a nice girl... so I can shower her with gifts. I have always been of the mindset that you must give to receive and I read Think and Grow Rich when I was young and they hammer on this a lot. I just hope I can find a girl that will like me for me and not just be after me for my money once they realize how much money I make and how I make it. I think next year I might start to enter some WPT events and maybe get myself on TV heh - thinking that way I might get more chicks etc but so far the online dating thing is looking very promising.

I am trying to get a date with my yoga babe Carol but she isn't online very often. I think I need to take things to the next level and get her phone number. Then we can chat on the phone and I can build the relationship more effectively. I will let you know how thing progress with her and the other random girls that have been sending me messages. Bye for now.

Hello everyone reading this blog. This is the first blog I have ever made, but I felt compelled to start this and get some thoughts down on paper so to speak and to also my friends I have made online to follow my progress as I attempt to meet girls online through an online dating site. Let me start by telling you all a little about myself and why I decided to go the online route for meeting girls. I am a professional poker player. I am not one of the guys you see on tv, rather I am the guy you have never seen before who plays online poker for 12 hours per day. I typically play cash games, and I play 8,12, or 16 tables at once depending on my mood. The last time I was in a relationship was about 5 years ago with this white girl who turned out to be a total psycho. Since then I haven't had much action and I am pretty much a self confessed hermit. The only time I go out is to buy groceries etc. I like watching mixed martials arts like UFC etc and I like to play video games. I also like to sing a lot... I have always wanted to be a singer and I have watched many "how to sing" videos on youtube etc although there isn't much hope for a singer that is a hermit :s