Save me from myself

I remember when I was a young boy and how I felt about the world and how I discovered love. I remember how over time the innocence became lost as I was exposed to more and more painful truths about the world. Painful truths revealing themselves through observing and participating in other people's selfishness, cruelty, and ultimately insecurity. It wasn't until a few years ago that I realized that insecurity or fear is the main cause of most people's negative emotions and actions. I am personally still on a journey of enlightenment. Enlightenment as to who I truly am and what I really want to become and the person I want to be. The way others react to me is the only indicator we truly have to use. Reflection and evaluation of one's action internally is insufficient. I was confused in my adolescent years. Confused because it was far too difficult to accept that the perceptions I had as a child, the same perceptions taught to me by my those who were apparently superior in knowledge, were not accurate. Not only were they not true, but they were slowly revealing themselves one at a time gradually and constantly. Like a deck of cards slowly being flipped over one card at a time. The situation becoming ever bleaker with every passing moment. Until all you can see and feel is darkness, anger, and frustration. This is when I realized that darkness co-exists with light. You can not have one without the other in both nature, physics, and mankind. This double edged sword that is our existence is very difficult and painful to see and understand. I believe that some people are never able to understand or accept this reality of human existence and also I believe some people are unable to accept it. It has a way of disrupting your understanding of hope, and capacity for happiness. I personally am still making the transition from naivety to understanding, accepting, and embracing. Embracing is the next step for me, and I see it on the horizon like a large mountain of an obstacle. I believe there is an oasis on the other side. An oasis of mental and spiritual being. How can I free myself of the negative thoughts I feel when I recall past painful memories and decisions? How can I release myself from the guilt and the regret? Happiness and sadness exist together and are both readily accessible feelings but how can we focus more on the happiness and avoid the sadness and pain? Am I ever going to be capable of love... of true love? Will I ever be able to enjoy life like I did when I was 10 years old playing by the beach, watching the ebb and flow of the water lap against the rocks on a hot summer day? Will I ever get the chance to share my creativity with the world? The chance to make someone else smile and feel happiness? Will I ever allow myself to feel like I deserve positive things in my life? Will this nagging feeling inside ever allow me to forgive other people and to forgive myself and allow myself to embrace things as they are? Will I ever stop questioning if I deserve happiness in my life because of the people I have hurt in the past? Is it possible to not infect someone else with my shortcomings? When I was 14 all I wanted to do was fall in love. I wanted the soft presence of a female in my life. I wanted to share things with her. I wanted to give unconditionally and enjoy their happiness. I was a helpless romantic and I truly believed that I would find someone and experience these things with them. I thought that being with them would make everything else in my life I didn't enjoy become tolerable somehow. When I was 15 I fell in love. At first it was magical. I was only able to see her once a week for a short window of time and her parents were very protective and wary of males. She was a very submissive girl and I enjoyed dominating her and feeling like a man. I enjoyed the feeling of having a stranger care about you, and give to you and I ate it all up and couldn't get enough. I don't exactly recall the moment I became bored and felt like the magic was replaced with contentment. She had given me the confidence and experience I needed to move forward in life and conquer new women. I had no idea that I would be capable of having such thoughts prior to being with her. It is only now as an adult that I fully appreciate the power of ignorance and denial. Shortly after leaving her, I felt an immense sense of guilt and regret yet I stuck to my guns and never went back to her. I could feel the double edged sword of life cutting into my emotions like a freshly cooked stuffed pig. My second girlfriend was also very submissive. She came from a very conservative protective family. She was very innocent and naive when I first met her. She had the best intentions in life and was a very happy intelligent girl. I was the teacher in that relationship. She had only been with one other guy before and it was a brief relationship with very little intimacy. Again I enjoyed and abused her submissive nature for my personal selfish benefit. With her it was a love that grew slowly instead of a passionate love affair right from day one. It was the first time that I really ever felt close to a woman and I believed that she trusted me and would virtually do anything for me. Deep down I knew that I would eventually not be with her. I wasn't sure if I would get bored and leave her or she would eventually run out of patience and leave me. Eventually I left her. We did get together about a year later and share a few nights together but it never amounted to anything. I was finding myself being drawn to women who were submissive and good hearted. I avoided slutty, aggressive, sly girls for some reason. I thought that having such a kind, gentle female presence in my life would remove the rough edges from my own personality allow me to soften up myself and become sensitive to other people's emotions. The last girl I was with was the opposite of the first two. She was aggressive, strong, and dominating. I still felt like she would be able to save me from myself. She was the teacher and I relied on her. Despite her aggressive nature, she was very giving and generous. Again I found myself sucking up all this goodness until I was full. Once I was full, I found those old feelings of regret and boredom creeping up again. This time it was similar to the 2nd relationship but much more intense. I realized I wasn't going to change and become the type of person she was, instead she was changing into the person I was. Now here we are.

Phew. Ok I hope you all forgive me for that deep rant but I don't have anyone to talk to about this kind of stuff. Anyways based on the thoughts above I am conflicted when I flirt with girls online because part of me knows that I am not suited to be a good boyfriend or husband. Most of the girls I talk to want to ultimately get into a long term relationship so I sort of have to go with the flow on that if I want to be with any girls. Then part of me says well just try it and maybe it will be different. Maybe you will be capable of having a relationship that will not change for the worse over time. Maybe I can find someone that will suit my traits perfectly. I think that this is a voice of denial. Sometimes I block it out and sometimes I listen to it. But when I listen to it then I feel kind of depressed thinking that all of human kind is failed and never meant to live as couples. That makes me wondering if such a thing as love really exists or not or if it is just a misinterpreted electrical impulse in our brains. I went to a shrink once and I asked him what the meaning/purpose of life is and he is it is to give love. So... I think you see where I am going with this here. So, I am not going to sit here and do nothing. Even if the reality is that we are all doomed, I might as well enjoy myself on the trip down.