Portland Single Blog

Last night I went on a date with Christy. There was an amusement park in town, I guess you would call it a fair. I always loved when the fair would come to town. I loved the the way it would smell like cotton candy in deep fried foods. There would also be a constant humming of sounds coming from music from the rides, the games, and carnies running around. I guess I am kind of a reserved and conservative guy and I discovered that Christy is the opposite. She is crude and rude and rough around the edges. But she is really hot and feminine looking. She is however kinda muscular and doesn't really dress that well. She has like dark makeup and is kinda goth looking and a bit trashy looking but she is really hot - I know I keep saying that. Her hotness is what allows her to get by on the other fucked up shit she does. So anyways yeah she is kinda loud and obnoxious when she talks and especially once she starts drinking and MAN does she like to drink. I am a lightweight when it comes to booze.

I met a new girl named Christy and now magically I am in better spirits. No big mystery here man I mean I think I might be bipolar or something cuz sometimes I am really up and sometimes I am really down. At both ends of the spectrum things are really intense, maybe I am just an extremist. It seems like I can never find true happiness from within. It seems that I must always have some external event to look forward to in order to feel happiness. All of the books that I have read about the topic of meditation tell me that you will never find happiness from external things and that basically if you base your life in this fashion you will never be happy. I have tried lots of the stuff I have read in these books but I am unable to find a quiet zone in my head. I think it might be because I have exposed myself to so much visual stimulation over the years or rather that I have trained my brain to be used to receiving lots of data constantly and so now it craves that amount of stimulation and goes nuts when it is deprived. I think I would benefit from traveling to Africa or something so that I can just reconnect with nature and disconnect myself from the electronic prison that enslaves me. I suppose that this is all part of human evolution but sometimes when I look at it objectively it seems like perhaps we are headed in the opposite direction. How can it be evolution if we are destroying our environment and making it easier for human beings to kill one another? How far can the evolution of weaponry go? Eventually we will nuke ourselves and that would be the end of evolution so that is all I am saying on that topic right now. I am one of those hopeless male souls that find refuge in women. I find that most of life is pretty boring and unsatisfying but the strange scent of a woman can immediately make one feel like there is hope and reason for being alive again. Last night I watched the movie "Killing Zoe" and even though I have seen it multiple times before, this time I realized how tragic of a story it was because I forgot that the main French character has AIDS.

Christy works in a factory downtown where they make canned peaches. Ok maybe she doesn't. She actually works in a meat packing plant of all places. I know it sounds weird I mean would you go out with a girl that worked in a meat packing plant? Most girls that work in those types of places are big fat hairy lesbians (no offense to the big fat hairy lesbian meat packing workers). Of course she is the exception being young and hot and well most of the guys there are constantly hitting on her etc. She is tall in fact she is 5 foot 11 and I am only 1 inch taller than her, not that I have had a chance to actually stand toe to toe with her but hopefully soon I will be able to when I am about to kiss her

So far I have only been chatting with her online over msn and she said she doesn't have a webcam but I have seen pictures of her in her profile and also she sent me some different pics over msn of her from recent and she looks pretty good. She has been single now for about 5 months. The last guy she was with was a Marine and he got sent to Afghanistan so they broke up before he left. Her boyfriend before that was a truck driver who was also an amateur body builder. Are you seeing the pattern yet? She is into big strong manly dude type dudes which I am not. I mean I'm not some scrawny looking nerd, I am in pretty good shape, but I am no hulk. Perhaps she is looking to try something different now in terms of the guys she is into. All I know is that she seems to like me and said that I looked cute in my profile pics. I am going to pursue her and I have a date lined up with her for tomorrow night. I just hope I don't get beat up one day by some massive disgruntled exboyfriend.

I remember when I was a young boy and how I felt about the world and how I discovered love. I remember how over time the innocence became lost as I was exposed to more and more painful truths about the world. Painful truths revealing themselves through observing and participating in other people's selfishness, cruelty, and ultimately insecurity. It wasn't until a few years ago that I realized that insecurity or fear is the main cause of most people's negative emotions and actions. I am personally still on a journey of enlightenment. Enlightenment as to who I truly am and what I really want to become and the person I want to be. The way others react to me is the only indicator we truly have to use. Reflection and evaluation of one's action internally is insufficient. I was confused in my adolescent years. Confused because it was far too difficult to accept that the perceptions I had as a child, the same perceptions taught to me by my those who were apparently superior in knowledge, were not accurate. Not only were they not true, but they were slowly revealing themselves one at a time gradually and constantly. Like a deck of cards slowly being flipped over one card at a time. The situation becoming ever bleaker with every passing moment. Until all you can see and feel is darkness, anger, and frustration. This is when I realized that darkness co-exists with light. You can not have one without the other in both nature, physics, and mankind. This double edged sword that is our existence is very difficult and painful to see and understand. I believe that some people are never able to understand or accept this reality of human existence and also I believe some people are unable to accept it. It has a way of disrupting your understanding of hope, and capacity for happiness. I personally am still making the transition from naivety to understanding, accepting, and embracing. Embracing is the next step for me, and I see it on the horizon like a large mountain of an obstacle. I believe there is an oasis on the other side. An oasis of mental and spiritual being. How can I free myself of the negative thoughts I feel when I recall past painful memories and decisions? How can I release myself from the guilt and the regret? Happiness and sadness exist together and are both readily accessible feelings but how can we focus more on the happiness and avoid the sadness and pain? Am I ever going to be capable of love... of true love? Will I ever be able to enjoy life like I did when I was 10 years old playing by the beach, watching the ebb and flow of the water lap against the rocks on a hot summer day? Will I ever get the chance to share my creativity with the world? The chance to make someone else smile and feel happiness? Will I ever allow myself to feel like I deserve positive things in my life? Will this nagging feeling inside ever allow me to forgive other people and to forgive myself and allow myself to embrace things as they are? Will I ever stop questioning if I deserve happiness in my life because of the people I have hurt in the past? Is it possible to not infect someone else with my shortcomings? When I was 14 all I wanted to do was fall in love. I wanted the soft presence of a female in my life. I wanted to share things with her. I wanted to give unconditionally and enjoy their happiness. I was a helpless romantic and I truly believed that I would find someone and experience these things with them. I thought that being with them would make everything else in my life I didn't enjoy become tolerable somehow. When I was 15 I fell in love. At first it was magical. I was only able to see her once a week for a short window of time and her parents were very protective and wary of males. She was a very submissive girl and I enjoyed dominating her and feeling like a man. I enjoyed the feeling of having a stranger care about you, and give to you and I ate it all up and couldn't get enough. I don't exactly recall the moment I became bored and felt like the magic was replaced with contentment. She had given me the confidence and experience I needed to move forward in life and conquer new women. I had no idea that I would be capable of having such thoughts prior to being with her. It is only now as an adult that I fully appreciate the power of ignorance and denial. Shortly after leaving her, I felt an immense sense of guilt and regret yet I stuck to my guns and never went back to her. I could feel the double edged sword of life cutting into my emotions like a freshly cooked stuffed pig. My second girlfriend was also very submissive. She came from a very conservative protective family. She was very innocent and naive when I first met her. She had the best intentions in life and was a very happy intelligent girl. I was the teacher in that relationship. She had only been with one other guy before and it was a brief relationship with very little intimacy. Again I enjoyed and abused her submissive nature for my personal selfish benefit. With her it was a love that grew slowly instead of a passionate love affair right from day one. It was the first time that I really ever felt close to a woman and I believed that she trusted me and would virtually do anything for me. Deep down I knew that I would eventually not be with her. I wasn't sure if I would get bored and leave her or she would eventually run out of patience and leave me. Eventually I left her. We did get together about a year later and share a few nights together but it never amounted to anything. I was finding myself being drawn to women who were submissive and good hearted. I avoided slutty, aggressive, sly girls for some reason. I thought that having such a kind, gentle female presence in my life would remove the rough edges from my own personality allow me to soften up myself and become sensitive to other people's emotions. The last girl I was with was the opposite of the first two. She was aggressive, strong, and dominating. I still felt like she would be able to save me from myself. She was the teacher and I relied on her. Despite her aggressive nature, she was very giving and generous. Again I found myself sucking up all this goodness until I was full. Once I was full, I found those old feelings of regret and boredom creeping up again. This time it was similar to the 2nd relationship but much more intense. I realized I wasn't going to change and become the type of person she was, instead she was changing into the person I was. Now here we are.

Phew. Ok I hope you all forgive me for that deep rant but I don't have anyone to talk to about this kind of stuff. Anyways based on the thoughts above I am conflicted when I flirt with girls online because part of me knows that I am not suited to be a good boyfriend or husband. Most of the girls I talk to want to ultimately get into a long term relationship so I sort of have to go with the flow on that if I want to be with any girls. Then part of me says well just try it and maybe it will be different. Maybe you will be capable of having a relationship that will not change for the worse over time. Maybe I can find someone that will suit my traits perfectly. I think that this is a voice of denial. Sometimes I block it out and sometimes I listen to it. But when I listen to it then I feel kind of depressed thinking that all of human kind is failed and never meant to live as couples. That makes me wondering if such a thing as love really exists or not or if it is just a misinterpreted electrical impulse in our brains. I went to a shrink once and I asked him what the meaning/purpose of life is and he is it is to give love. So... I think you see where I am going with this here. So, I am not going to sit here and do nothing. Even if the reality is that we are all doomed, I might as well enjoy myself on the trip down.

So far so good with the online dating. I have received numerous messages from different girls all different ethnicities and ages. There is one girl in particular that I would like to hook up with named Carol. I never really liked the name Carol and I always pictured an older cougarish type of woman when I heard that name but not anymore. This girl is 24 years old and very cute and very attractive. She works in some retail store that sells trendy modern clothing for girls which is cool because I am sure at some point I could go visit her at work which would give me an excuse to be in a store full of hot young chicks I know that 25 is kinda young since I am now 30 and everything but I have never been hung up on age before and I think that age is just a number and it doesn't matter how old you are, we all have the same capacity for maturity etc so I don't discriminate. She said she lives in a small condo and has no pets other than a fish tank with some exotic fish in it. She said she likes to practice yoga and goes to the yoga studio 4 times per week. I still have not seen any pics of her other than face shots so I have no idea what kind of body she has, but anyone who goes to Yoga 4 times per week must have a hot lean body, or at least I am hoping so. I wonder if I could get her to take a picture of her wearing Yoga pants. I think if I went on a date with her and she was wearing yoga pants I wouldn't be able to concentrate, especially if I could see her thong lines through the yoga pants - that would be hard to deal with. I think that most guys have a yoga pants fetish, I mean how can't you. The best is when the girl has a nice gap between her legs under her crotch when she is standing in yoga pants with both legs together. Anyways enough about my yoga fetish lol. Bottom line is I want to meet her bad and I also want to meet other girls who like to wear yoga pants. I do prefer the LuLuLemon brand of yoga pants vs the TNA pants. The lulu lemon ones just fit better and are of higher quality.

Poker has been going well. I have been getting tired of playing my usually "system" and I have been experimenting playing in $20 and $30 big tournaments. All I have to do is make the final table of one of those tournies to pay for a bunch of entry fees. So far I have got quite close but keep getting sucked out by some donkey. Perhaps this is why my poker mentor told me to steer clear of tournies like this but grinding it out day after day is getting boring. I need to go spend my money on something. I already have bought pretty much everything I want. Car, house, clothes, jewelry, etc. I think this is one of the reasons I am aching to meet a nice girl... so I can shower her with gifts. I have always been of the mindset that you must give to receive and I read Think and Grow Rich when I was young and they hammer on this a lot. I just hope I can find a girl that will like me for me and not just be after me for my money once they realize how much money I make and how I make it. I think next year I might start to enter some WPT events and maybe get myself on TV heh - thinking that way I might get more chicks etc but so far the online dating thing is looking very promising.

I am trying to get a date with my yoga babe Carol but she isn't online very often. I think I need to take things to the next level and get her phone number. Then we can chat on the phone and I can build the relationship more effectively. I will let you know how thing progress with her and the other random girls that have been sending me messages. Bye for now.